As I sit here in our warm livingroom with my little girl watching Yo Gabba Gabba, I am thinking back to when my husband and I were married. Not sure why, but I figured I wasn't the only one who does this from time to time. Remember when all there was was you and him? Possibly a pet or 2? Enter reality....
The first step for me was marriage. I always wanted to get married before I had kids, and as luck would have it, that happened. I married my best friend in May 27, 2007.
I suffer from Debilitating anxiety, and have for most of my life I am quite sure. That being said, my memories of the wedding are few, and mostly stressful. I did most of the legwork for the entire thing, short of renting the tuxes, and setting up the hall the night before, so it was incredibly hard for me to enjoy ANY of the day that was supposed to be the best day of my life. It was a beautiful time, and we all came together so well, and had sooo much fun, I just wish I could have loosened up a bit...
I have been receiving treatment for anxiety for the past 3 years, and frankly have never felt better! I want to have a wedding eventually, to renew our vows maybe, and actually live every second the way it is supposed to be lived. That was my main thing, I was never EVER able to live in the moment, no matter how hard I tried. Especially with stressful events, I think my mind went into survival mode, and just made me block out all feeling. Whatever had happened usually hit me a few months down the road...fun times!
It feels so nice to be able to feel! But I digress...
I guess the reason I am writing this, is the fairy tale that most of us are sold about life after marriage, and that your life will resemble a magazine when you have kids, is such bullshit. There, I said it, bull shit! The one article that I read that made me want to vomit was Jennifer Lopez's after her twins were born. She looked like a supermodel' and her kids (both 8 weeks old) were in a suit and a ballgown. @#4! And all the rambling on about how her life was complete and her babies were perfect made me want to gouge her eyes out. I wondered how many nannies she had at her beck and call 24 hours a day to look after her kids, so that she could get her beauty sleep. The heart and soul that moms put into every second they are with their kids, just seemed so far away from her. The babies just seemed like accessories. I found myself (and even do now)very very bitter. As a first time mom at that point, I felt lied to and that parents had essentially kept me in the dark about all that parenting and being a mom actually entailed. The 24 hours a day 365 rest of your life change. I went into motherhood kicking and screaming.
I have never sugar coated anything from my friends, nor will I ever. Being a mom to a little life is just too important to not try to prepare for the shitty parts too.
I can't even remember where I was going with all of this...
I guess I have just been thinking lately on how life has changed since my kids came on the scene. It takes a while to settle into this whole mom thing...I am comfy now. Coffee helps...hee. As well as a sense of humor. And wine, and....
Not to say I still don't have the occasional urge to run away to some obscure place and live in a beach hut under an assumed name for the rest of my life, it feels way better to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way before!
Accepting is a hard thing to do too.
Accepting that the people I love have faults, as I have faults, and loving them for who they are instead of being pissed off that they aren't who I think they ought to be. Doing that makes me feel better. It's kind of a way to just let go. To let go of expectations, and just take things as they come.
wow, that was a lot of rambling...I'm done now. It feels better for my gemini mind to just verbally vomit and get it out!
Hope you all have a fantastic week, and that it stops raining before I go crazy.
xo
J
Hey Jen,
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with the whole "sunshine and lollipops" attitude that comes with certain aspects of family life.
For me, the big one was breast feeding. I think I might have been better prepared if I knew exactly how f*cking hard it is-especially at first.
They give you all the tips and tricks-make it sound relatively simple-and shove down your throat exactly how imperative it is that you breastfeed (I'm not disputing that, of course, but they act like formula is poison! lol)
They don't really tell you about the constant leaking (and always feeling sticky!), the having-to-wear-a-bra and guards 24 hours a day and exactly how painful it can be when starting out and how frustrating it is when you've just finished feeding for close to an hour and your little one is hungry again in 20 mins. They really try to focus on all of the positives of breast feeding (without really mentioning the challenges) and I think they really do a dis-service to new moms. Be real with us!!!
Anyway, that's my little side-rant that you inspired me to write lol.
I'm really interested to see how I'll fair the next time around in regards to breast feeding...Now that I know what to expect.
Hi Julia!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit I was scared this time around, because I remember the hell I went thru with Molly. It was better in some ways,such as my nipples didn't get nearly as sore or cracked, and the leaking was easier to control. Having said that, a 3 year old who wants you 24/7 tends to interrupt those bits of peaceful feeding you try to fit in with your baby. I hope you're doing well my friend!
:-)
J